If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. – Romans 12:18
Ugh. Conflict. Am I good at it? Don’t answer that!
Are you good at it? On a scale of 1 to 10, we all fall somewhere when issues arise. We all learned how to deal with conflict somewhere. Some days I wish Conflict 101 was a class in the catalogue when I was picking classes in school or maybe there should be a line of children’s books about fighting well next to the potty-training section.
The truth is though that we receive conflict training our whole lives. We watch our parents, siblings, neighbors, and classmates deal with conflict. We see conflict in tv shows and the news. We hear stories about how someone blew it or nailed it or ran from it for so long that there was so much internal conflict that they snapped.
I don’t think I’m great at conflict, but I know I’m better than I used to be. I see it in the way I defend myself a little less when someone says crummy things about me. I don’t go blaring into conflict immediately when I get upset or hurt, and I don’t avoid it as long as I used to either. I’m somewhere in the middle now. Most of the time.
I don’t go on the offensive as much anymore and don’t always feel the need to convince people that I’m right just to feel validated, but sometimes I still do. The person across the table matters more to me than they used to, and I start to work on forgiveness much faster than in the past.
My hands and voice still shake when I am nervous. I still cry when I’m hurt. I still flush red and get angry when accused of something I didn’t do. I still must fight the urge to try to fix everything and make everyone like me.
I’m getting better at it because of all my practice. Ha! Conflict with my parents and siblings was first. My dad still cringes when he thinks about my teenage journal that he caught a glimpse of years ago. It was all about my parents ruining my life. We laugh together about it now. He’s one of my absolute favorite people on the planet and my mother one of my favorites in Heaven and I can attest that I got better at conflict with them both.
Conflict with friends, classmates, and teachers at school was wild. I did not do well then. Military conflict was simple. You dealt with things quickly and very plainly, but I wouldn’t claim that it was healthy. Marriage conflict really is a two-person game and is sometimes tricky but we are both getting better with God’s help.
Church conflict is always surprising, but here too I have had the chance to practice. Sometimes you cause the conflict, sometimes you are on the receiving end, and sometimes your gracious and perfect God walks you straight into it and blesses you in the process. He’s in the refining business and things can heat up quickly.
There are no end of verses in the Bible about dealing with issues, anger, forgiveness, humility, blessing, and putting the other person first. There are also verses about healthy boundaries. I will leave the research to you, and just say this.
My Jesus was so silent when I would have spoken, but there were other times when He answered. He went to the homes of those who wanted Him dead and insulted Him, but He also slipped away to have intimate time with His friends and with God. He paid the temple tax when they accused Him of not but then disobeyed their rules when it came to healing the sick on the Sabbath.
He didn’t follow a rule book; He followed His Father in Heaven. I guess no matter how good I get at conflict I still must ask God what to do the next time. I must ask people and God for forgiveness when He asks.
19 Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. – John 5:19
It’s just another reason to abide in Christ. To stay connected with Him and draw every bit of strength and wisdom from Him instead of somewhere else. It’s hard to know what conflict is coming next but I know that it’s coming. Maybe I will do well and maybe I won’t but I will lean in close to God and listen for what to do next.
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