I Am Ruined

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

Isaiah 6:5 NIV

What must it have been like for Isaiah to stand before the Lord? To see Him on His throne? We will all see Him someday; we will all stand before the Lord of Hosts. He said so, and everything He says happens.

This is the same God that the writer of Hebrews encourages us to approach boldly (Hebrews 4:16). How?! He is so big, so holy, so beautiful, so good, and so glorious that our bodies and minds cannot even take Him in. If He does not strengthen us to survive then we won’t.

He was good to Isaiah and made sure his sin was taken away so that he could be in God’s presence. He is good to us and offers us atonement as well. It’s been paid for completely by Jesus. Everything we have done, everything that has been done to us, and the things that have yet to come is covered, not because we deserve it or earned it but because He is so good.

There is no one better.

Have you even known that you were in God’s presence? Maybe you saw something or felt something. Maybe you just knew it. The whole Earth is in Him, but I mean those special times that He makes His presence known to us in His way.

It may have felt warm, or it may have felt like fire. You may have seen something that you couldn’t ignore. He may have overwhelmed you with tears or laughter or you may have sat in silence with only the sound of your breath or the birds in the trees. You may have been too afraid to move because you could perceive His greatness and power.

When I was a teen, I was walking in the cemetery behind our house, a beautiful and deeply special place for me and many in that community. I spoke to the invisible God and asked a question. “Are you real?” He answered! I felt something change around me. It was like a wind both in the physical and spiritual. My senses knew that I was not alone, and I was shocked and very quickly convinced that God was real and that He heard and answered.

In the years that I wandered far from that cemetery and far from God I never forgot that. It was never less real. He convinced me and He kept me convinced. Since coming back to God 9 years ago I have had more of these events. I have felt His presence and His attributes. Compassion and comfort, conviction and a drive to repent, a burning in my chest that comes only when worshiping and praying in community. I have felt power, desire, peace, and had my body shake when I wanted it to be still.

And yes, I have felt fear. I have thought to myself, “Be careful, Whitney. Come in a humble way. He is so holy.” I am righteous because I am covered in the blood of Christ and deeply loved but the fear of the Lord is a gift that He wouldn’t neglect to give me.

I am ruined in a way, because I have been in His presence. He is so much higher than I am that it boggles my mind. I am ruined for any other purpose than to serve Him. Nothing much impressed me after an encounter with the one true living God. What can compare? Who can compare?

There is nothing to eat or drink that satisfies more than Him. There is no feeling as great as His presence. There is no music as sweet as praise to Him, no dance more beautiful than to our God. There isn’t one single knee that won’t bow, no tongue that won’t confess that He is Lord. Everything pales in comparison to the Ancient of Days.

For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Romans 11:36

So, I will seek His presence and be ruined again and again. His atonement will keep me alive so that I can come to drink, eat, and be satisfied. I will repent and seek Him again when I get caught up in this world and it’s worries and forget to seek His presence. I am prone to wander, but when He calls to me, I will give thanks and praise Him until my eyes are clear and my ears can hear and all my senses are retrained to perceive His presence and His goodness.

I’ll take Him however He comes. I’ll come to Him however He asks.

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